I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
