I'm eating all of the evidence.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
