Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
