Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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