I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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