It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
