He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
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