I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
