Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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