I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
why do cheetos always look like penises
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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