The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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