A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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