fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
