Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
