Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
