Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
