She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
