I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I don't think brook has ever known best
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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