No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
