don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
