cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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