chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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