Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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