He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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