I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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