Your tits are I can't wait for
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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