God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
