Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
