I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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