You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
