Apparently you make a good broom.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
