Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
