My first STD was from a foam party
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
