you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
