I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
