so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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