If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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