The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
