He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
