my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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