I think im going to throw up on grandma
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
