My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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