sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm both gender and math confused
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
