i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
