I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
you are never too drunk for berry picking
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
