I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
the day after is always just damage control
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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