I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
