Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
