can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
