Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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